i never knew gatorade would taste just as good on the way back up
Why does Jon Cryer have a career?
That is a good question.
The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
He just did blow off my nipples. He's not serious about his girlfriend.
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
I'm not having the "why are your fucking my daughter" talk and the "your a drug addict" talk with your mom tonight.
I'm just going to take the mature adult root and ignore him for a bit, and then pretend like I didn't see him jerking off.
Congrats you've received dick pics from an Olympic silver medalist
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
Left Las Vegas at 2:30 am, woke up at 11 AM at a Barstow gas station with the Valet from Ceaser' palace snoring in the backseat and no memory of how we got there. I felt like Raoul Fucjing Duke right then and there.
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
I think I met my butt stuff soulmate
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
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