Everything went well, until I walked into his bedroom and there was a Ronald Reagan poster watching over his bed - creepy
ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
The only problem is i have violated all potential new years resolutions at the new years party.
Ryan just walked out of his frat house with a case of beer, a 6 dollar bottle of vodka, and a pillow. He's good to go.
Just walked by a yard full of girls wearing bikinis. I did my best to stare.
cliffnotes. writing studyguide on last pack of smokes. glad this semester is over.
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
Oh God! I'm naked from the waist down playing records. Too drunk. I don't even know what to do.
Balls out but with a shirt on. Eating ravioli. I don't know how to deal with this.
I've woke up in his bed 4 out of the past 6 mornings. I feel like this might be the time to learn more about him then his first name and what kind of beer he drinks.
I just took the soggiest of beer shits and all i have to eat is shredded cheese and more beer. I need an adult.
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
Apparently I told him he would be good for human sacrifice.
Saw a thong on the yellow lines of the street when I left this morning, are they yours by any chance?
The last time I was on vacation the pandemic blew up. Can't wait to see how my vacation fucks up the world this time.
Randomize
