Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
Those 2 guys from the sonic commercial will be virgins for life.
I'm in the library if you wanna come give me library head.
I didnt shave my beard last night, so I could feel it while Im shrooming today
Like if I don't roll around in my puke, the night will be a failure.
I just had someone I don't even know on Facebook message me saying it seems like I drink too much and should slow down.
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
You have all been randomly chosen to participate in a new game called: how high was I? If you have any information about this or about where my clothing items went give me a shout. Thanks an good luck.
Withdrawals are gods way of saying "you're still my bitch"
Oooo. Can we pretend to be Amanda Bynes?
She bought wigs like Disney princesses. I want to be her.
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
Those nachos came to me in a dream
That dick was not the dick of a twenty year old
Just used the pen i got in my signing ceremony to pack down my bowl. coach would be proud
Randomize
