Partly cloudy chance of praying to the porcelin gods
I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
This is how I know I have no life... Jon and Kate are my emotional roller coaster.
I miss him.. What the hell did I get myself in to? I guess it will get better with time.
No. Just liquor. Time's no good.
They both told everyone they fell in a mud puddle
Oh they definetly fell in the mud, repeatedly, on top of each other
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
No. I want him to marry me so we can spend our lives together. I also want a to-scale model of his genitals to mount above my fireplace
He lasted about 30 seconds then said you can't win them all. But then he made me pancakes so it's okay. We shall call him mancakes.
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
You're just gonna have to make the sacrifice man.
I'm trying to hide in the table.
She sent me nudes via email. What the fuck are we still in the 90s? Grow up
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
Woke up with a pineapple again... where do i keep on getting these ??
Is it too much to ask for 10 minutes of privacy while I masturbate?
Randomize
