hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
sometimes i think what itd be like to be a firework
as soon as his mom opened the door to let me in the house she asked if i would like a shot
it's gonna be a great weekend
apparently I kept yelling at her that I wanted t-Rex sized lines. awesome
I need you to send me a picture of your dick. I want to forward it to that girl and you and i both know you're more impressively sized
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
Where the hell is he. I called him crying for weed and sex you would think that would signal some urgency.
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
Nothing says "I Love you" like my dick in a pizza box
Does me being hung over take away from how professional I can be today?
Finally liberated my Star Trek DVD from my booty call's house. Captain Kirk would be so proud.
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
Found out the cop gives spectacular head. Don't ask. We're going out to dinner Saturday.
You were laying on the floor coloring a "get well soon' card for your liver...
Randomize
