on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
Check that he is NOT ok. He just heated up SoCo and used it as syrup on his pancakes.
I swear to God, I just heard my guardian angel tell us to stop. I think we should listen.
..But I'm still alive. And thats the main thing
What do you need? A swimsuit and a liver of steel? What else?
Oh you have a half-brother? Why that's right up my alley! Let's cause family strife
Tearing families apart since 2011.
Every girl my sister has brought home from college I've had sex with, check and mate motherfucker
Well I can't go home with anyone tonight bc I stuffed my bra
You're lucky you got out when you did, about an hour later the girl in the Franzia box started wrestling everyone.
And to add, there was a fat guy right next to me who, when the girls would shake their butts, he would let out a shrill xena warrior princess cheer
You drunkenly hook up with 5 people in one night and suddenly everyone tries to party with you.
If you can handle my post-party look you da real MVP
I had sex in a panda mask the other night.
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
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