I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
My facebook horoscope today said I will have a little "confusion". Obviously astrology understands a blackout.
I was on my way at Dorito Smoothie
He was on Keeping Up with the Kardashians it was like a deed from god to bang him
Sitting in a bubble bath with my bong, how's your morning?
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
Just had to return the shit I stole from the dining hall, with everyone watching...apparently there ARE consequences for being drunk, coked up and belligerent.
I don't know at which point last night turned terribly, terribly wrong, but it was somewhere around Motel 6, specifically the parking lot.
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
I can make a sex schedule on Excel and send it to you guys
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
HE BEAT A GUY WITH NOTHING BUT RAZZLE DAZZLE AND HIS FABULOUSNESS
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
Showed up to pick her up in my boxers. Lets just say im 2 for 2 with this new idea
Just bedazzled a flask, while drinking out of it. Hot glue is EVERYWHERE.
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