Imagine if sharks could walk on land...scary.
Swine flu is the new snow day.
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
Everything tastes like hotdogs and shame.
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
i need to start using my dry humping skills. i was dry humping champion in 7th grade
i told myself when i was 16 i would never fuck an Alan. now i've fucked 3 and i'm punching my 16-year-old self in the face
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
Oh aight, and i was just going to be content with drinking, beating off and watching ninja turtles
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
So I just realized I have three bananas, seven condoms, three lube packets, three tampons, and a shot glass in my bag but no pen #modelstudent
If the world ends and i have no vodka please just kill me.
You know it's time to call it a night when every guy in the bar (all 3 of them) have seen you naked at one time or another.
ok so you're 100% sure this time that he isn't your ex in disguise again?
She was blowing air into green onions and tying knots in them to make "balloons"
Randomize
