I have a walk of shame I should be getting to. "Hey, by the way, what is your name?" is not a conversation I want to have today
oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
OMG HE JUST PUKED WITH THE DOOR OPEN WHILE DRIVING ON THE ROAD AND OMG WE NEED TO CHAT BUT NOT ATM CAUSE THERES PUKE ON MY PHONE
There was a note in my hello kitty underwear telling me "don't go over 9000"
he spent an hour trying to convince us that Ted Nugent is Kid Rock from the future. by the end of it i was very close to believing him.
I immediately regret the tequila decision.
I just smoked a bowl with the lady who runs the special olympics. Your move.
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
Well... This is my last night at the resort. So far, the only thing that has been in my vagina is sand.
Wtf. So apparently this 5 star establishment doesn't allow strip putt putt in the parking lot. We all just got kicked out of our rooms.
She called to tell me she just hooked up with my crush...and that he talked about me...not sure if I should be pissed or excited?
It's only considered alcoholism if you're drinking from something other than a cup....right?
Randomize