Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
you asked the guy at 7-11 if he remembered when you came in and threw news paper every where... then you did it again
you'd be confused too if you woke up to pictures of a ghostbuster doing body shots off you.
That girl you went home with last night was dressed in a bright blue sweats at the bar. 205lb Smurffete FTL. Boy were you in epic form.
She got a text from her mom saying "you better not sleep with him, we all know how he is". IV ONLY BEEN HERE A WEEK
You should never talk to him again. Unless its you knocking on the door and punching his dick.
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
I just wanted to share with you that my life has come to naked arts and crafts, to fix my flask, with a rum and coke in my hand... Good luck on your exam
RA chick in a Christmas onsie chased us up 5 flights of stairs. I need to stop violating guest policy
I'm thinking about wearing a strap-on just to freak him out the next time he pulls my pants off.
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
Had sex on your trumpet just an fyi.
I'm not drunk or hungover and I don't have to work. My body is sooo confused!
I told him he had to put his dick inside of me at approx 1159 to ensure it was birthday sex. i was 19 when he entered me.. came out 20. winning.
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
Randomize