bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
No just sleep deprived. James woke me up at 7 and forced me to eat a hot pocket with him cause he " didn't want me to die".
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
You better keep a close eye on your uterus tonight cause I am looking good.
I made out with an Italian cab driver. Not cool. Help. Good news he will drive us anywhere we want to go as long as you cook food?!?!?! I want to melt into the pavement.
Hey do you have any hot friends that would settle for less?
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
Well, my family didn't see me in my drunken super slut state at Summerfest, so there must be a God.
He's balder, I'm skinnier. I win. I. Win.
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
Randomize
