my phone needs a breathalizer
there are singles shoved down my panties. this is the type of summer job i always wanted.
my math professor just wrote "parallel" on the board, but spelled it "pararrel". guess what country he's from
How much cunt could a cunt bag punch if a cunt bag could punch cunt?
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
Desperately trying not to throw up over the side of the ferry back to CT. Can't be the first one of the season.
As he was under the stripper backwards, he yelled "we should totally be facebook friends"
No, I've only ever seen his brother's dick. So when I have lucid sex dreams, I just do a little cut and paste in my mind and stick his bro's package onto him.
They're frat boys at heart and have sickly, dusty, rotting souls.
Woke up in bushes at UT didn't know I was Austin last night
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
However, you did manage to order seven different drinks while fingering her at the packed bar - it was like watching the pizza men pound the dough in the windows
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
True life: I got so drunk that i took a shower with my clothes on at 4 am...
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