I am pretty sure the guy in the stall two dwn from me is jerking it...seriously
I have nothing to say, just wanted ur phone to vibrate
You called in. Quitter. You stayed at home naked drinking again didnt you.
According to FB I fucked in a field 365 days ago.
Why is your name on a gluestick in a plastic baggy stuck to my door?
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
Yesterday was just the icing on the rejection cake that was my week
Singing high school musical songs with an old Russian woman I met on the bus. What are you doing?
It's hot as dicks out. Lets get drunk on the roof and make pterodactyl sounds at people.
Mark my words I will never date another cop again. I don't care if he's JESUS.
My cardio is walking around the office looking for free food.
I'm sitting in the shotgun seat of my car on full recline trying to pretend everything is ok
I woke up upside down with my head in your ottoman and like a foot of space between the ottoman and chair.. My legs were straight up in the air... Yes. Your mother found me.
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
How naked do you want me to be?
Randomize