You know, if there were no such thing as marriage, i don't think porn would exist.
So I used to make fun of texas a lot, then I got here and I found a place where I could get my tequila in a to go cup with a straw and I realized that this is the only place I ever want to be
I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
She just tagged pictures of you wrapped in the "above the influence banner" like a toga.
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
I was about to attempt a citizen's arrest on my RA
That shot was terrible
You were like one of those guys at carnivals that spit out fire..... Except it was throw up
I have the WORST cramps EVER. I think this is gods way of saying 'you're welcome, last warning. stop being a slut.'
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed...
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
You shouted “im bobby labonte!” In the process of shoutgunning a beer. He said you were too redneck for him...
we were waffle house and a lady told me her imaginary friend was sitting in the chair next to her. i don't feel so trashy now.
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