dude we gotta go shopping. I made pancakes this afternoon and used them as sandwich bread.
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
i look like a southern belle. however, i am around a million kegs. so i will be a southern shitshow.
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
I will not be a drunk bitch. I will not be a drunk bitch. Chanting this until it's second nature.
Drinking in moderation can be fun. Drinking in moderation can be fun. Chanting this until it becomes true.
Also. I plan to spend time with you at boomers, high, teaching ourselves how to pee standing up.
He asked us to wake him up with a strobe light. We had it going in front of his face full power for half and hour and he didn't even blink.
there's a girl on facebook trying to buy me a pizza. I can't say no... right?
Regardless of your intentions, deep throating a Twinkie is NOT sexy. You owe that poor cashier an apology the next time you pump gas.
Not going to lie: not even the fact I'm wearing men's cargo pants can hide the fact I have an awesome ass.
So, I'm either with my future life partner or my future life taker. And his brother. lol. I'll let you know when I get home alive.
You mom sent me some article linking anal sex, damaged prostates and sterility. Does she still think your gonna go straight and have kids one day?
you yelled, puked and cried then passed out in the fetal position in your underwear
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
Randomize
