just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
My mom can no longer prohibit me from smoking pot..I sell to her boyfriend.
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
You are missing out on the best boobs in town right now
Well you wanna do it now or later? I've had three shots and I'm listening to journey by myself. Emotionally there is no better prime time than right now.
Not drinking has really freed up a lot of my time. I made a bracelet yesterday. I miss bars.
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
All this studying of HIV makes me want to have sex with you.
I can count on one hand the number of good things that happened over the past year.
You had all day to plan ahead & get mixers, so whose fault is this sobriety?
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
Nice. Make him jerk off and tape it. Send it to his woman. I also love that you had another skype date
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