Aunt Jean just announced that her pubic hair is getting thicker as her head hair gets thinner. As a family we are just not a people of mystery.
so today I found out that she used to be a he....
are you gonna get a divorce?
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
He has in a pan: ten pieces of bacon, two cloves of garlic, an egg (not scrambled or hard boiled, just an egg) and frozen corn.
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
I want a calm night. Not one where I wake up to you topless and bloody.
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
Well i think matt shit his pants so ill mark that as a W
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
So she said she could really go for a cheeseburger and I remembered I had one in my pocket. No idea where it came from.
Reverse road head. Sa-witch!!!
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