she just sneezed while going down on me. is it rude for me to ask her to do it again?
i wonder what barack obama's brickbreaker high score is...
so then you were screaming "GIVE ME KELVINS!" and heating things up in the microwave and no one knew what you wanted
Poopin on the sidewaaalllkkk. I wish my text told you that was a song
Vegas is awesome. Its like you have a kentucky accent girls automatically assume you don't have herpes.
She passed out in the backyard, making "face down" snow angels ... so they could have a smile.
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
Im positive, your name was on my abdomen, Im pretty sure thats solid evidence
I'm pretty sure I have a cold now from having sex on the hood of my car in the rain. Worth it? Absolutely.
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
If you magically turned into a tall white gay guy, ignore this message. If not, then I'm sure someone has your fb password.
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
Maybe those shots of hot dog water wasn’t a good idea after killing a fifth of tequila.. but who’s askin
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