does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
all i wanna do is slam about 38 beers eat a whole pizza and wake up naked in the taco bell parking lot
so as we were driving to pick up my grandma from old navy she procedes to yell into our open window.. "I'll make ya holla fo a dolla" umm...
Judging by the grocery store, everyone stocked up on frozen pizza and beer for the blizzard. If our generation ever faces doomsday, we'll go out smiling.
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
We just had to use a designated driver to get to night class.
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
Go big or go home. Or get a live in house boy you met 7 years ago and feel like you have unfullfilled potential. You know, the usual
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
I may have tried to encourage people to play a new game I invented last night. I called it Super Quarters. Like regular quarters, only using an AA medallion.
He has a burner phone just to send dick pics. It's revolutionary
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
Randomize
