So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
I'm outside your house...sorry I feel like I don't need formal invites anymore.
I mean we're not committed. He's my first choice, sort of like miller lite. When I'm at the bar I'm going to order one, but if they don't maybe I'll go for a bud or blue moon. I'm certainly not going to stop drinking
"Does your mom know how big your cock is?" Worst dirty talk I've ever had.
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
please dont let the old guy in the wheelchair see you when you wake up
Oh and I ate all of your Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Consider it part of your reparation payment for accidental anal insertion. I may continue to collect payments until I am no longer sore.
No one parties like Jon. He once stole a cops hat, ran like the wind, partied all night with it, and dropped it off at the station the next day with a box of donuts as an appology.
This holiday season is going to be rough between people coming home for the holidays and the already regulars on my list I might have to clone my vagina to make sure I get everyone for all they are worth
My mom told me to get it out of my system now bc once I hit 30 it's not acceptable to get "white girl wasted".
sexting while watching Peter Pan the Musical! something just doesn't seem right here
Just test drove the kilt for Justin's wedding. NEVER. WEARING. PANTS. AGAIN.
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
Yay I only have ONE giant mystery bruise from yesterday
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