i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
FYI : beer farts in the morning chase women right out of bed!
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
SANTA'S REAL. I GOT MY PERIOD.
I don't care if he's straight, his cock will be in my mouth by midnight. Like a closeted Cinderella.
Just called the consul general of France "dude"
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
Bitch guess who just got a fucking taser
Had to drive my booty call home because he had an asthma attack after we had sex .. How was your night?
I saw your dick pic and thought there goes the last thread of my heterosexuality.
He sent me a dick pic. I am fighting the urge to send him a "sorry for your loss" card.
Whoever said it shouldn't take a man to make you happy clearly wasn't having sex everyday.
I was sleeping and woke up in the bathroom already puking like i slept walk. Perrrrrrfect.
Starting to realize that fucking everyone I come across isn't the most... "adult"... coping method.
Randomize
