Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
Remember that one time i smeared period blood on your face?
I hate you
I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
I think thanksgiving was created so we could all be thankful that we're still alive after the night before.
she passed on me to fuck the foreign guy. is there a manlier, slightly less gay way of saying "always the bridesmaid, never the bride"?
nope.
imagine how many guys you'd have sex if you didn't recieve your monthly gift.
He legit pounded my cooking wine, because he was to cheap to buy beer. He is so not getting any.
You can't say "they have anal bleaching for that" and then just hang up
He turned down jacuzzi sex. He cares more about my vagina than i do.
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
Thanks for having me and my emotional baggage over last night.
The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
She asked me if I could do that to her every single time. I said nope. sometimes it's better.
Randomize
