bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
We woke up next to each other with a mutual look of disgust, and then he left. I knew I should have gone for the younger brother.
Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
He was just laying on the stairs and then screamed, "Is that a clubhouse?" I haven't seen him since
Bon Iver should never be played when you just ate shrooms.
i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
I'm gonna die. First I'm gonna throw up. But then I'm gonna die.
Nothing says Happy Holidays like sending a picture of your ass to the wrong manager.
They were so sore! Either I have bed bugs or you were biting my nipples last night and don't lie to me.
is it bad that I see hot guys I wanna sleep with as challenges instead of actual people?
yes. but it works for you
I just talked comic books with a cop. We high-fived as he was running my name.
Proud of you.
We discussed the legality of being a vigilante. I won.
He fucks strippers and doesn’t have a life plan. Of course I’m going to regret this
Randomize
