how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
its like the voldemort of pregnancies, we don't talk about it
I coulnt tell if he was cumming or if I was throwing up
I just encountered the most annoying guy on the planet. I wanted to slap his milkshake out of his fat-boy hands while he was talking to me at the same time as slurping his liquid fat.
I love milkshakes.
Not the point.
shes on the floor puking and texting simultaneously.
It's official. Every single female in their late teens and early 20s get their fb statuses from a pool of cliched "quotes" which all say, without saying, "boys treat me like shit, I know they do, but one day I'll find 'the guy' who will treat me right no matter how psychotic I am." Vom.
You never know, some chick could have a weird unibrow fetish.
I have to stop envisioning penises as dragons.
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
so I'm staring at this cat and wondering..is the tail of the cat the derivative of it's head?
stop getting stoned after studying for a calc final.
last night on the strip the guy screamed at you YOU GOTTA WORK ON YOUR CALVES.
Was Mr. ROBOT good? I missed it. I just fucked dental hygienist on the trampoline in my backyard
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
DO NOT FUCK YOUR ENGAGED GAY NEIGHBOR!
Randomize
