she cant drink. allergic to alcohol.
ewwww. she might as well have a dick.
the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
i just identified you from a description of your pipe
no normal human would even think about making waldo slutty but you
Blood. All over. Pre coke adventure needs to slow down unless I'm involved
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
Handcuffs are allowed in carry on luggage :) just checked
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
Sensing a theme here
If alcoholism is a theme, yes.
I refuse to be socially acceptable any longer than what is needed to pick up chinese food.
Kick open the door, strike a pose, steal a boyfriend, end scene.
Thought for a game. Duck, Duck, Grey Goose. If you're tapped, you take a shot. Then proceed as normal.
She was so happy for me that she insisted I fuck her with my Bills jersey on. THAT ACCOMMODATING
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
Randomize
