Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
I just saw a neon sign in a bar window that says, "open to Public" but the L is burnt out.
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
Just got home and found him passed out with his ass stuck in a Rubbermaid garbage can. He must have been like that for a few hours
ders ninda duuude pooring goden shots ov glory. I see em an i dont but there hear.
are you attempting voice recognition while drunk again?
Yes I slept with him, he was the only one not wearing a costume. Guys with costumes are just trying to impress you.
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
It's a lube slip n slide down the hallway now. Details later.
My walk of shame turned into having to get his dad to tow my best friends car out of the snowbank in his driveway
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
And he's back on taking these stupid testosterone supplements to kickstart him back into working out. And they just make him angry and horny all the time. I'm like great, just in time to meet my whole family for Christmas.
she threw up on her exam, awkwardly wiped it off with her sleeve and continued writing.
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
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