So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
Omg i either met the gayest dude ever or my next boyfriend
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
Pretty sure I saw a dude across the room give this girl the international hand gesture for "I'm going to fist you later", she seemed ok with it.
I ate the snowman's head. That is not a drug euphemism.
Stripper pole. Sore legs. More vaca money.
i told the cop we knew everyone at the party, it was 250 of our closest friends and she's like funny nobody on the balcony knew whose house this was
Thats why they were on the balcony!
She has the perfect pussy. Looks like a paper cut with a puff of cotton candy on top.
Text me all the things you want us to do this summer. So far, I have Kegstand written down
Well I was kicked out of the bar and woke up on a picnic table. I'd say the night was awesome!
It just smells like spaghetti and despair.
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
If ur gunna go fuck a guy that's in the baseball hall of fame do you need to shave your legs? I'm so lazy
you should come have a drink with me (non alcoholic or otherwise) im at the same bar as your sister and a few guys that would apparently "lick your butthole"-congratulations
Randomize