i just passed a truck with a bumper sticker saying "i'd rather be cummin than strokin." god bless the midwest.
He quoted an N'sync song to confess his attraction to me. Needless to say, I had sex with him.
why is there a sandwich nailed to the wall
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
Apparently "he pulled out..mostly" is not a valid reason for thinking there's no way i can be pregnant to the nurses at the student health center.
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
she walked out and i tried to get her to come back but i couldn't remember her name so i just whistled... future reference: that doesn't work
Finishing last nights 1.5L of wine and beef jerky for breakfast. Work looms, ever the prickly bitch.
Did he seem like the type of guy that would maybe take weed as payment?
I know you're gay. But if I'm not getting dick, then you have to. That's what friends do.
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
...I just melted into my bed. I am one with the bed. I am 600 thread count.
Apparently I have a "problem" because I enjoy doing bong rips in the shower
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