just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
It's not normal to lose a tooth eating a McDouble.
i just ate an entire onion plain. all alone. i have never felt more single in my life
I can practically hear my vag and my conscience fighting.
I woke up at 6 on his trampoline wearing only a parka.
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
High Amy loves you. Sober Amy is unsure, but she's not here so fuck that bitch.
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
An hour is enough time for me to get drunk and win a dry hump marathon so I hope you have somewhat similar or better goals
Got dumped. Now accepting nominations for my extra Dave Mathews ticket. No xboyfriends. Must cast final votes by Monday. Good luck everyone
YOU DRINK NOW BECAUSE YOU ARE A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN WHO DOESN'T NEED A DRINKING PARTNER
I WOULD SERIOUSLY RECOMMEND THE SHIT THAT I AM ON RIGHT NOW
Went to take a shower. Brought my wine, forgot my towel.
The cat ate a weed mint. This is not a drill
My sister and her gf showed up at my door with no pants on at 4 AM talking claiming its hot.
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