I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
So she started giving everyone lap dances, and i was like "i think i like this chick"
I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
One reason I don't come to Portland. I saw 8 guys I have had sex with last night. At the same party.
By 8 I mean 9.
And by 9 I mean 10.
When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
I passed out on the floor of a truck stop. Drinking binge 2011 is now over.
I can't believe all the places I got into shoeless last night. Apparently no one will say no to a girl covered in paint with a ripped shirt
The port-a-pottys are knocked over so I have nowhere to sleep.
Good news: I actually puked in my bathroom, the vomit from the living room was actually from someone else.
That's horrible but hilarious
I'm going to miss college.
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
Dude, get out of Andrea's vagina and call me back
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
i was watching the elves fighting on my knees while waiting for the shrooms to kick in then i realized
I should have known when she mixed malibu and V8. It smelled just like tanning oil and when she drank it she said "Oh well, not the first time."
Randomize