Weirdest conversation with my dad. He just told me he didn't shave his pubes.
He cut you off when you said Paula Dean was in your soul...He kicked you out when "Paula" started eating random peoples food
How long does it take to cook a corndog over a candle?
you yelled "who's job is it to keep me from breaking shit" and then immediately ripped off the molding as you fell down the stairs.
Me and my vagina aren't speaking at the moment.
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
Okay now that I've been wanting to eat these hot cheetos in the bathroom, I know it's time I need to stop smoking and go to sleep.
I have a friend that keeps saying he wants to go bear hunting. Thought I would say just walk down church street at night. What intersection is it?
Put down the bong. Turn off Hey Arnold. Stop calling me football head.
I love you football head
And to add, there was a fat guy right next to me who, when the girls would shake their butts, he would let out a shrill xena warrior princess cheer
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
PS- My flight is being emergency landed bc someone smuggled cats on the plane.
Bro you were on fire last night...like a less Irish version of Liam Neeson
Ben Franklin would totally be a furry.
You're smoking weed and checking Tumblr I take it?
Randomize
