Omg. Never. Take a laxative the day you are going on. A date.
i just threw up repeatedly on the entire entire walk down A1A to the pizza place....then on the way back slipped and fell in it
How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
We made out for three hours. Then she said she didn't sleep with redheads and left the party. So yes, I'm still drinking.
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
I AM HAVING A WEIRD OUT OF BODY EXPERIENCE. IN CAPS LOCK.
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
How can you tell that you're blacked out ?
You can feel it in your nipples.
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
YOU FUCKED THE DARE INSTRUCTOR DIDN'T YOU?
I came twice AND he sent me home with edibles. I think he’s a keeper.
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
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