3:38a: you guys up to anything right now?
Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
this girl and her friend just showed up at my house. standing together, theylook exactly like the number 10. this has cockblock written alllllll over it.
My relationship with VH1 is so bittersweet
So I just told the bartender I would go down on her. You need to get here
I'm trying to find candidates for my winter break hook up. I'm going to hold auditions thanksgiving break.
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
Coming to you live from the floor of my office..
We should. Taco Bell definitely gives me the shits though.
It's girls night. No shame, just febreeze
Life lesson 8263 if drinking a beer in the shower be careful when shampooing... Tresemme flavored rolling rock sucks
He's like a computer from 2001 in a 2014 world. It just doesn't work. Lots of glitches.
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
Little girl was fucking around on the train and completely ran her head into a pole. Totally burst out laughing as she cried. Her mom was not amused. I don't think I should be a Mom. EVER.
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
It's officially "let him eat me out in a sundress with no panties" season. Needless to say the first date was a success.
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