What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
Im starting to think including a smiley face in texts may or may not be a code for 'lets have sex'
Im going to research this theory. . .
i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
Clearly I made an impression.
Or at least your vagina did.
It didn't get weird until she took off her underwear, looked down, and said "fill her up!"
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
So I just told the bartender I would go down on her. You need to get here
I don't know bro, all I could remember is that he kept saying hallelujah and calling that girl Slutimus Prime
I am so hung over a medically induced coma is beginning to sound appealing.
You'd think, but when you nail one sorority sister, you might as well have nailed them all.
Prob because you've thrown up alot. As long as its not like pure blood you're fine. Drink water.
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
Question: the touchscreen on my phone randomly quit working, do you think this could be a latent reaction from me peeing on my phone last weekend?
just spent the last 20 minutes cleaning out the soap dispenser. fuck. me. adderall.
Randomize