i love when people i haven't talked to since we fucked write on my wall.
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
i drank out of my shoe...were you seriously expecting me to be the voice of reason?
I just had a 30 minute conversation about hummingbirds. That high.
I miss high conversations.
Swinging. Is. Amazing.
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
This stranger told me I should "start playing for the other team" and then continued to talk to me about the joys of being a lesbian
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
i still can't believe he got laid by going to the bar and handing out "cuddle buddy" application forms
i want george washington to fuck me as hard as he can holy shit
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
I am not walking across campus just to give you a blow job in the hopes that in return i can study more efficiently.
Why do my weekends always degenerate into using my little brothers childrens board games for drinking games?
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
Randomize
