If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
i think the next time he gets me off i'm going to scream bangarang
ru fi oooo
When health care reform is passed, I'm throwing a kegger
You are the reason we need health care reform
Acid flashbacks - fact or fiction? Have been seeing a surprising amount of sparkly shit this afternoon...
At least I know she didn't hear me crawl to my room. Or did I walk on my hands? Fuck if I know.
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
Zach is always passed out on the floor somewhere.face down in a puddle of his own absurdity
the cops accepted 42 wallaby way Sydney. and the cops, and cab driver accepted the new address. please tell the win i am experiencing
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
And your boyfriend doesn't mind you constantly taking pictures of his dick just to freak out your brother?
its more like he's accepted that he can't stop me
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
Somebody broke the sliding door, and someone ripped the toilet seat off the toilet. So yeah, pretty typical friday night
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