Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
so there is either a lot of blood or a lot of wine in the shower....
no i brought the cat to the bar. I got a weird look when I walked in but now everyone loves her.
You expect me to find someone in two days who I feel comfortable enough with to ask them to get drunk and go play in foam with me?
That place is a DUI and an STD waiting to happen. I think I'll pass.
Want to know what makes for a better story than treehouse sex? Getting busted during treehouse sex
it's almost 8pm and i'm still hungover. at what point do i alert someone?
It's a fucking menopause festival down here at the strike zone
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
My vagina: 1 Male stubborness: 0
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
Girl just left one of the apts upstairs carrying a giant bottle of kahlula and a lunchable.... I feel like we could be friends
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
Randomize
