Sweet. Might not hurt to poop on the floor anyway.
Apparently I think casual Friday means I can show up unshaven in yesterday's clothes and reeking of booze.
that coffee was exactly what I needed. Also whose awesome hat is on the couch with ear flaps? I wanna put my head in it
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
You dislocated his arm and then bought him two shots to numb the pain while you pushed it back in
Nobody has ever asked me for my honest opinion on whether they needed anal bleaching before
nope, if she's going to skank it up with ginge-a-saurus douche she deserves the silent treatment.
Technically my penis started a fight tonight
Letting two friends screw at my place in exchange for weed. This is my life.
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
in that moment our bushes were one. and in that moment we were pure.
HOW DID ALL OF US MISS THE OBVIOUS: I'LL SHAKE YOUR SPEARE
If I win the lottery I'm going to hire someone to skywrite "FUCKTARD" over his house. That much anger.
Then a third Canadian I didn't know showed up to the hotel room at like 3am. I let him sleep in our bed because he had pizza.
Randomize
