I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
He didn't know it yet but he was about to go down on me.
i love my job...i have craft hour at my desk w twizzlers
can u grab me a application
just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
You're pretty and everything..but you aren't worth the DUI
High enough to fry lime slices.....tasted like shit, by the way
He found my weave.. Think he'll still fuck me Friday? And how do I ask for it back?
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
Our motto for the night: BLACK OUT OR BACK OUT.
That's our motto every night.
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
I just almost puked & then I panicked and forced it back down because I thought I would be a waste of the apple turnover I ate.. I'm that hungover
Omg I can't even...
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
I never said it was inaccurate, I said I hate you.
Randomize
