Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
I just threw up on my dentist
he whispered in my ear that he would be upstairs and i should come up. i stayed downstairs. he came back down and repeated to whisper in my ear. this happened about 5 times until he passed out.
afterwards we were spooning and he said he wished he was a kangaroo so he cold put me in his pouch and keep me forever. I left as soon as he was asleep.
we played lady & the tramp with a hash brown from McDonald's....im in love.
Well, McDonalds 'escorted' me out after I passed out mid-order
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
Cant wait to drunkenly tell by kids that i banged their aunt katie in a weird threesome
Sorry about sucking tonight. Drunk truck fucking is apparently not my strong point.
It's a sit down to pee kind of hangover
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
Dude she literally licked him. He was covered in cheese and in her high state what else was she gonna do?
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
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