my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
Vibrator and massage oils got stopped at security. Super.
I feel so grown up. I just went to home depot to buy actual home improvement supplies instead of stuff to make a bong with.
I just had a formal request to dress as a boyscout for my meeting with Legal on Friday. From Legal. Time to go home.
throwing up in the shower isnt as glamorous as i expected
since when the fuck is that glamorous?
Dreamed I made out with a stranger after falling out of a car, let's make this happen tonight.
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
In the bath trying to absorb water through my skin because I can't drink it.. That hungover
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
not sure what stings more, my ass or my pride...
My inner 10 year old alcoholic is intrigued.
Look get the dick out ur mouth and answer the phone
Randomize