Dude I just witnessed a midget touching himself and singing the chorus to somebodys watching me by michael jackson... it kinda turned me on
I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
its summer. and we all know college gfs do not count in summer.
college gfs dont count ever. theyre like getting corn rows in jamaica. you feel cool at the time. then you go home and people make fun of you.
I love how girls just decide that guys who don't like them must be gay
I do the same thing. If a girl doesn't like me...I am like, "i must be gay"
You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
new call of duty comes out in november. guess im not passing my finals
He said he's gonna start calling me "Benny" because we're "friends with bennyfits"
according to the woman who took my blood today, i have "party veins"
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
For gods sake, I only took one. With two nyquils. What a happy world its been today. Fulfill your obligations and then its marvelouso.
There is an empty space on my boobs where glow paint should be.
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
And one groomsman rode a suitcase cart like a skateboard until he crashed and took out a piece of sheet rock. Later he pulled out his nuts.
Dude I puked in a snow bank and then fell face first into it
So today the police came to my dorm to look for weed, i didn't have any in the room, so i let them in. they apologized for any inconvenience and then left after finding nothing. then i realized i was wearing gauges with weed leaves on them lol
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