I'm skeptical of all drag queens.
I thought it was weird that her dad told me to finish and get out after he walked in on us. I like him
Also do the "tongue the pee-hole" thing.
My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
I cant believe Lindsay Lohan feels like this every day
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
There is nothing like getting stoned and spying on people with binoculars
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
we found him passed out on the baseball field with two 40oz and wearing a tophat.
Where did he get the tophat?
Of the three people getting wasted at this dance competition, im two of them
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
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