Just desperately used the "it's a boy" cigar I saved from my\nnephews birth to roll a blunt
So you threw a sword at me last night
I honestly wish I could say that I was surprised.
Drunk you is everything I aspire to be in life.
It was just a friend comforting a friend. Except his penis was inside of me.
I can feel myself smiling like 10 minutes after I stop smiling, and that's just like... so awesome.
Still want to know how you got back last night? Two Campus Security Officers carried you in around 430. Your pants were around your ankles.
I hate Sailor Jerry.
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
Hamster emergency. Can u come in here
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
he stopped talking to me, quit his job, moved out of the province and then told me it was "no big" when I called him apologizing...
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
The ONLY place I sext is in my anatomy class. It's an amped up level of playing doctor.
I texted her that I burned my tongue drinking coffee so it hurt to talk or kiss... How many points do I get for doing her without talking or making out first?
Randomize
