I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
in case you havent found it already in honor of Toy story 3 we wrote ANDY on the bottom of your foot while you were passed out on the couch.
dude i woke up sitting indian style with my face on the ground and my hand in a bucket of ice.
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
In a cab. Towels everywhere. Confused.
Climbing through a window thats four feet off the ground isnt the easiest thing when youre high, trust me.
Someone just told me I have an ass that could kill small children .... Don't know how to take that one
So burnt out. Like weed hangover. And someone just fell through the ceiling outside of my class. How's your morning going?
Still losing my voice, so I am trying to get it back through drugs. Welcome to my Monday logic.
I just remember going to take a piss and looking down on the floor and thinking "that looks comfortable" and then I was out.
Do you remember trying to make pizzas with the domino workers last night...while trying to speak their language with them.. spanish?
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
i just realized i have only had sex on couches so far this year. i can't decide if that's impressive or trashy
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