ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
Check the bible. I hear he keeps his weed in leviticus.
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
Here's the thing, you got road head in two different cars tonight. You feel lucky yet?
I'm gonna tie him up and fart in that pathetic excuse for a mustache
Sorry, I was trapped in a small closet behind a washer. What's up?
It was just a Craigslist hook up but she wore sweats. Where are the girls with class?
Good friends chat about sex - great friends ask about safe words.
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
I cant believe you made me read bad furry sexts
My life. Always pantsless and occasionally topless.
Randomize
