wakey wakey hands off snakey
I think I saw a glimmer of recognition, but she must not have been able to make me out through all of her whorishness.
Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
We had to introduce ourselves in ethics class. This guy stood up said I'm mark, I love sluts and Jack. Then just sat back down. Hero status.
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
We got to the party at eleven, and the host was already in the hospital from being stabbed. And she brought the stabber home with us when we left.
I swear 95% of pictures on my phone are from drunken nights I don't remember with me doing a peace sign alone in somebody's bedroom.
I just gave parenting advice and had a discussion about the distribution of wealth in america...in a bar. I'm starting to think its me and not you lol
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
The way I kissed her was actually pretty charming and then it devolved to car sex
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
i'm not too sure if he's up to my expectations looks-wise, but in the penis department he exceeds ALL regulations.
Randomize
