Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
i just picked a peanut m&m up off the floor. with my toes. and then proceeded to eat it.
I wanna get so drunk next week I throw up on a guy's genitals. I want to be that memorable for someone.
I have a question, if it paid really well, like ridiculously well, would you be a restaraunts under the table resident blowjob girl?
they call him Oral-B. enough said
She got stuck in the front door. She never told me how or why.
Apparently you can legally be topless in Boulder, CO. Get on it.
This is final. The chair stays in the bathroom, we are too old to be puking from the floor, grown ups sit in chairs infront of the toilet to puke.
Or grown ups don't drink themselves into vomiting.
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
As if I wouldn't steal Nintendo brand "Mario is my HOMEBOY!" boxers when he gave me the entire drawer to choose from.
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
I've been trying to fall asleep with ice packs covering my vagina for the last hour... Sorry for being vulgar. I'm going to kill myself.
Randomize
