I always see him when I'm wearing my ripped pants. I think its because of the hole in the crotch. My vag sends out supersonic "I'm horny" waves to him. Otherwise the calls are muffled.
just got a hand job during a movie in class today is gonna be great!
Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
That's your penis' name. I've always referred to it as Alejandro secretly.
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
Because at some point last night we decided that shotgunning beers from a paint stick was a good idea
Breakfast Clubbing as Juggalos. I can feel our IQs in freefall.
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
His dad gives me dirty looks whenever I come over though. I think it's because I eat his food and have sex with his son.
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
The guy I blew who bought us all the shots last night? I really think he's the TV guy I'm watching give the local weather. Like right now.
Randomize
