there's nothing like that first "just failed out of my program" beer
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
I feel I need to conquer him. He's six ft eight and 265lbs. Its like the mount Everest of sex.
i woke up wearing her shoes. this night isn't going on my highlight reel
We should have cut you off when you asked the can driver if you could ride in the trunk.
It looks like the misc $300 credit card fraud might have been our taxi cab driver who wouldn't take boobs as payment. No wonder...
He's had mdma poured down his throat. He's getting huggy.
when he put a condom on for a handjob cuz he didn't want to "blow his load in the car" i started to question my choice in guys..
No if my life depended on you fingering me just let me die
I achieved maximum drunk last night. It was pretty extreme. Woke up on a couch, outside, in a suit
It's hard picking what to wear when you know the plan is sex. Like can't I just wear my robe let's just simplify this.
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
Guy in my class today said, "I'm pretty sure you think about beer 95% of the time."
Vodka for breakfast. With a side of Frankenberries. Don't judge me.
he ended the message XOXO, who the fuck does he think he is GossipGirl.
Randomize
