my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
Walk of Shame time yet?
Dude she's 6"2, blonde and on the cheerleading team. I look like Seth Rogen's fatter, unfunny brother. What shame am I supposed to be feeling?
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
I'd say I should re evaluate my life choices, but I'd make the same decisions only faster and wearing a push up bra.
She had caution tape on her head and she blew me.
Besides. I don't even really like sex because it feels great. I like it because for thirty minutes I own that guys ass.
THIS IS NOT A DECISION I MADE AT ONE IN THE MORNING IM JUST GETTING AROUND TO TELLING YOU ABOUT IT NOW
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
If she gets mad at me, that only means more free time for me. I like to put myself I win win situations. Despite being in a relationship, I still find ways to accomplish my goals.
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
after that bj i gave him, i could fucking punch his mom and he wouldn't give a shit
Remember when we thought adulthood would be different than college?
It is different. We had hopes and dreams back then. Now we're just alcoholics.
Randomize
