Just so we both are on the same page, I have no solid plans as to where I'll be sleeping tonight.
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
Just witnessed a fat girl fall off the treadmill, pop a medicine ball, and drink coke out of a water bottle all in one workout.
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
Uuh, dude you came running out of the bar screaming you didn't want to hear that song, ran face first into a truck, spun around 3 times and hit the sidewalk. I tried to catch you.
Is 'too horny to study' a good enough medical excuse to not take a final?
Oh shit. My drunken car sex is on Google Earth.
He may not be fully over his current wife yet. But wait until I show him my tits in his office at the end of the day tonight.
no need to worry, I have the internet and a cape, I can accomplish anything. nothing can go wrong, I am unstoppable. Yo.
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
I just watched a porn called gay of thrones and I think I've reached a new low in my life
I pretended to be blind and he pretended to be my assistant and long story short, we had to buy that bra and panty set, and now we're both banned from Victoria's Secret AND I have a cum stained demi cup.
I don't get a "my roommate is fucking you" discount?!
Randomize
