My boss' voice literally gives me gas
sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
It's just like riding a bike. Only it's a dude's face.
Things I have learned since the start of my first college spring break: do not fart in an enclosed space (such as a shower stall) when hungover. You will throw up. More lessons to follow as week continues.
I just wanted to let u know that I called the taco people and informed them what the fuck is up.
come home. I need you. I'm too hungover to deal with this hangover alone
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
I just want to smoke this blunt and eat pizza rolls while watching The Price Is Right with you.
I was about to google "rabies and sexual activity." Then I realized I was at work.
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
He took a picture of me to show his boss why he was late...Is that a compliment or not?
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
I miss my innocence.
I miss being able to say, "I've never done this before."
He made me promise not to describe his penis in detail to you....oops.
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