I have a page in my 2010 scrapbook dedicated to pictures of his cock.
do not get into a discussion with my roommate when im sitting there naked ever again.
Well good for him for getting your number before he told you he had no money and needed you to pay for his drink!
I'm just walking around Lowe's groping the carpets....
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
I'm fucking sick of guys. I think I'm going to date myself. No drama. And I know I'll always put out.
Well now you know not to take drugs from your friends. Take it from stangers. They're more reliable.
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
All my female reproductive organs were screaming HELL YES last night.
Roommate charged out of his room in pajamas yelling "MAKE IT RAIN" and just threw $4,000 in fifties onto my head. My Friday night.
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
just passed a kid drinking a beer at 2pm. clearly it's the last day of break.
Randomize
