My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
walking in back of a girl wearing booty shorts, a halter and a bracelet that says trainwreck. I don't get it. The first day of nice weather and all the whores come out, are they like hibernating bears or something?
It went from cuddling and watching blood diamond to watching the three of them snort an entire $80 bag of blow off the coffee table
There is a different car in my driveway. Have no clue how I got home.
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
We just threw our carpet out of our room. Via fourth floor window style.
Im pretty sure that girl just said "Im taking you home even if your girlfriend has to come too." Why are we here again?
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
He pushed a skinny white blonde out of the way just to tell me "you have the finest ass, like ever."
I have never loved a nerdy white boy this much.
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
Then he said,"I love you like a sister I like to have sex with."
im buying my prof a giftcard to the state store bc he talked ab crying into a glass of tequila so he deserves it
You can say goodbye to our security deposit.
Already? What he do?
Opened a bag of topsoil at the party and spread it all over the living room. TOPSOIL!
Just letting you know that I just spent 11 dollars on a car wash... Because you had sex in my car.
Can we start referring to attractive men as "A fine piece of dick?"
Randomize
