She was not exactly lady-like. Down there.
I brought red and green boonsfarm to the white elephant party. classy and festive. I think this is what people are referring to when they talk about killing two birds with one stone.
Come downstairs. Moms serving wine for breakfast again.
Im debating on how to word my craigslist post so i dont get arrested...
I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
Then he showed me his sketchbook. Every drawing was a hand in different 'fingering positions'. Dear JESUS.
Sorry about bonging beers with your mom but in all fairness you were late...
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
Ps I got my nipple pierced. You're just gonna have to accept me for the tool I am and I don't wanna hear any shenanigans.
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
There are no female cereal mascots. I just realized that in my drunken state... So sexist...
I went to the strip club tonight. I had never gone, and in a panic I gave the dancer giving me a lap dance a handshake and introduced myself. Redefines business casual.
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
Oh honey. I will not JUST be drunk. I will be spring break drunk. Spectacularly hammered. It will be glorious for all watching and embarrassing for anyone that has to drag me to bed.
Randomize
