just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
when you find your car can you pick me up? his mom is here and im hungover
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
You insisted on take shots off of plates.
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
Woke up in time for my 8:15
Good for you I'm impressed
I realized 10 minutes in it was a class from last semester
I had to dig my own trench to puke in at the resort. That much fun.
Trust me, dating 38 and 20 year old dudes at the same time is the best. Money plus all of the sex. Finally figured out this relationship thing.
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
You had all day to plan ahead & get mixers, so whose fault is this sobriety?
Also, I'm not that drunk, but I'm thinking of pulling the blinds all the way up and casting some porn up onto the living room TV to establish dominance over our neighbors.
My orgasm happened in two different decades
Don’t listen to me, I’m walking around wearing nothing but rave bracelets and headphones shouting “yeeeeaaahhhhhh”
Randomize
