So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
to be honest..when i was little i used to think sharks can swim out of drains and eat people
There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
The drunk teletubby stumbling out of the place tipped me off..
Coming out of the blackout mid beej was nice. Seeing her face was not.
the outcome of this sandwich determines whether or not i do anything else with my day..
Her boyfriend was hitting on other girls while drunk. But, she said she was okay with it because she is a feminist and she supports all women's decisions.
It was all going great until he pulled the hamburger meat out of his pocket
There's a bag in my room with garbage, a thong, fritos, and an electrical cord. I'm assuming it's yours
........yyyyyyeah that's me
I miss my brother. He would have fucked the fat girl for me.
I told you I would
I wouldnt do that to you. You're my actual friend
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
You declared your undying love to a drag queen, then proceeded to puke into the poor man's purse.
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
Good!!! I'm so proud of you for not snorting alcohol. Big girl steps.
Randomize
