Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
i'm starting to get pissed at how pandora is trying to force coldplay on me
The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
We got drunk before dinner. People at the other tables were praying for us.
just credit carded her and her mom at the same time... that drunk. get on my level
When are you not under some influence?
Since last Tuesday...yesterday.
Double vision is so hot when a big dick is in sight. Thank you Bud Light.
A man that refers to my vagina in third person is a man after my own heart.
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
So I'm pretty sure I told every one at the party that "I'm going to fuck my pillow pets tonight?"
I'm way too hungover for life right now
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
It's a race to see if I finish the bottle first or my homework
I think I fell asleep on my pizza last night. Damn, I am sauccccy.
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