i wish starbucks made bloody marys
Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
they ran out of ice so they are using frozen shrimp in their drinks
he said he wants to do me james and the giant peach style. im afraid of what that means. but moderately excited. wish me luck.
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
We uncovered another pile of vomit after you left. And i am not talking about the one in the vase
pretty sure I offered to blow her dad. she's not speaking to me & he won't stop winking at me.
I was fucking the girl and her best friend walked in on us. She said we looked thirsty, got us a glass of water, and poured it down both of our throats. It was like... sex bottle service
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
Ok, not to minimize the significance of that beautiful anecdote from your childhood, but here's a video of my penis.
I think I just saw my socks in the parking lot.. gonna keep walking
The most awkward thing in the morning is seeing your teacher's dick right before you go to his class.
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