its was like we drinking an entire bottle of mystery
She's yelling about threesomes and realllly wants you to come over. Put the pieces together.
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
you also choked him out with your legs on the kitchen floor..
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
Not sure. We'll pass out on that bridge when we stumble to it.
Dude, she got on top of me, grumbled in a low voice "I'm going to make you remember me", and then farted.
then looked at this little girl next to me and was like "don't drink when you get older and don't let your best friend be with assholes." she looked at me like i was crazy
I'm just to the point my give a fucks is so far in the red that I'm going to have to take out a 30yr loan of fucks to repay it
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
After 25 beers and 3 shots my best friend thought it would be an amazing idea to get his dick pierced. We are on our way.
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
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