Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
I saw him on the jumbotron, its like god doesnt want me to forget his tiny penis
I don't go on dates. I watch tv and play with dicks. dinner is a situation.
I can feel myself smiling like 10 minutes after I stop smiling, and that's just like... so awesome.
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
do you remember in the middle of fleeing from the cops you stopped in the middle of the road to make out with quail man?
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
I just want to nap and funnel a bottle of wine in a cute dress
Business idea: assless chaps for toddlers. I'm high.
There's a weed, money and oreo filled pinata promised for our party.
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
Randomize
