Whatcha textin bout Willis?
I'm pretty sure she sent a group text out saying that I was the one to get with her last night and sorry to everyone who didnt make it.
Honestly it was an honor just to be nominated.
I could be a Disney star with the amount of nude photos of mine that get leaked.
I'm glad my gym is open 24 hours..I stopped in on my way home to puke from the bar
My number one goal in life is to find out who can fill a keg with Popov
Oh nbd. She just had sex with a divorcee. On a charter bus. At 10 a.m. On a Thursday.
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
THERE IS A VIDEO OF DMX SINGING RUDOLPH THE RED NOSE REINDEER
I'm officially in the Christmas spirit
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
Totally clawed myself in the face during sex. I can die happy?
Fuck that, come home. Let's get drunk and judge people.
He climbed over 2 rows of the cab and told some random girl we were riding with that he would be in the back seat if she wanted to have sex
Did I turn a man straight...??
Yes!
Of course his biggest mistake was assuming that I ever gave a fuck to begin with.
He ate me out while I was wearing a canada goose parka and a dress hand crafted by a seamstress from yellowknife. I came while watching the northern lights. Most arctic orgasm ever.
Randomize
